ARE YOU BUYING?

I can’t help it. I was perusing my issue of W and I had thoughts. Thoughts I would like to share with you. The major houses spend a fortune on adverstising in W and other magazines, that I’m sure you’ve seen. If you seen Vogue, W, Vanity Fair, GQ etc you know what I’m talking about.

Let me give you some thoughts about what I’ve seen and see if they don’t jive with your thoughts as well.

Cue achingly hip chill-lounge-music (which I love, by the way). Minus 8, Cafe del Mar, Brazilian Girls, Kruder & Dorfmeister, Mylo, Sofa Surfers, Portishead etc

Louis Vuitton is the first add. She seems to be atop a semi-collider in construction. She is sporting fantastic handbags and a very hairy fur vest. She stands in the sky no less. In one she seems to be using the handbag as a water bladder from the stomach of a goat, as in days gone by. Is Vuitton telling us they are the water of life, the sustenance that we crave?

Dior: The model here is one of the most gorgeous women in the industry, in my opinion. We see her looking directly as us in a timetravel vintage coat. She of course has a handbag that is the oversized black plastic shoping bag we’re all trying to avoid, but in patent crocodile. The background is a blur of lights, perhaps from the timetravel machine. (Coco Rocha, I believe is the one channeling an iconic Jackie.)

Prada: All I’m seeing here is the shoes. I am so in love with these shoes, I cannot stop myself! Very clean environment in cool blues and blacks. Again we’re in the past, but this past looks like the future. The shoes have wings! Two more shots of beautiful feet in extraordinary shoes. Louboutin-you got the shape as usual, but Prada has something here. Where will this go? I’m excited about that.

Georgio Armani: Pubescent prostitutes in blurry Polaroids. Please tell me what I’m not seeing.

Chanel:The environment is a 1940′s crack house, complete with a stained mattress on the floor. We are shredded. The model looks high on heroin and is in what looks like rubber sequins. She even has her arm extended like the needle is just out of camera shot. Next is a black lace dress against a machine lace curtain. Opulence before the decay. We are in a decline here. Decaying, fraying, shredded elegance.

Bottega Vaneta: Two pages of the same dress, same model in a smokey blue and white back ground-why does this look so much more hopeful than the cool blues of Prada? She is wearing essentially a belted toga. The power of the simplicity of the garment is fantastic! This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we will be wearing in future. It certainly looks like the past, but is much more than the past. It is the lessons of the past and the best of it we can use to build the future. Mr. Maier. Thank you for your intelligence.

Marc Jacobs: Girl in grey leather pants and pumps looks at you in a blurry photograph skipping through what looks like vomit.

Dolce & Gabanna: Resistance is Futile! Three identical women walk down the street in nearly identical outfits of jeans and western inspired shirts. Please someone knock them over. Please someone tell them that resistance is very easy, we’re not all 14.

St. John: I think there are five maybe six models featured in the next several pages for St. John. We stand in Poet’s Way in Central Park, walk down the library steps, lounge around a leather and steel basement and strut the wet streets of Hell’s Kitchen. The basic message? We ate the men. The men were here; we liked them; they were delicious so we ate them.

Donna Karen: The setting seems to be a 1940′s train station. Our blond model is in a throw back coat and exquisite leather bags/totes. She’s got the same color on her mouth as the coat. Black silouette of a fedora’d man walking away. This is the glamourous depression. Lots of tecture, her skin, the leather and nubby coat. She is tired and waiting. Aren’t we all? the next page she’s draped over another oversixzed bag in a gray velvet/velour dress. Is some one comming for the bag. Never mind her body, she must protect the bag!

Calvin Klein: Android. Cold mannequin female with plastic expressions model black on black on black in triangles of shadows and corners. Seems she can’t find where she left her car in one of those huge underground garages. The clothes are unremarkable. The android is an extraordinary beauty, but she overpowers them. Easy when it’s Calvin Klein. I didn’t even like the shoes.

Yves Saint Laurent: Naomi Campbell is the print face of YSL now. We have one of the most beautiful women of our era standing on a black box in an empty Upper East Side apartment photographed in essentially men’s clothes. She looks at us. Shiney black over-sized handbag. Naomi on a pedistal. Hmm. Discuss.

Burberry: A young couple, photographed in black and white, stand in a park looking into the distance. I can speculate about the conversation. “I’m sure my dad will be here soon.” “I’m cold! It’s getting dark!” Or “Do you think we missed the bus?” “I hope it gets here soon!” Someone forgot the children in the park. The bag she carries is an excellent take on a very old dress making texture (the name escapes me). The texture on her coat is nice too. I’m worried about them though.

Michael Kors: “Exuse me Madam! Were you planning on paying for that item you slipped into your bag?” Man in sunglasses grasps the elbow of blonde in animal prints and a tan patent leather crock print bag with gold hardware. Her expression seems to be “Huh?” In the next photograph we have the two of them in new outfits, though she has retained the furred scarf from the first picture. We’re on a private runway dealing with a privae driver and a pilot. The theif has seduced the officer. Nice. Wear black and tan.

Gap: Six pages of nothing new. Mall wear. Lots of Khaki. Thanks for the check. You can say “Have you seen our spread in W?” “Um, no. I rip that right out, first off.”

Nordstrom: Thank the Gods for these folks. Same for Bergdorf Goodman, Neiman Marcus & Takashimaya. We get a shot of the blonde photoshoped to the Nth degree. Iconic and idealized. She takes on a trip through YSL, Halston and Lanvin. The back drop is expressionistic naturure. We’re not decayed so much, but we do blur (which would be decay in another way, but it seems to be resisted somehow). Why does YSL’s black on black look simple and light when Calvin Klein’s seems cold? Then two pages of Halston. THe simplest of patterns. The bag is an over-sized black plastic bag, just like Dior, only this one is in chocolate suede. More watercolor back drops. I love these back grounds!  Last photo is of our swan in Lanvin. She is on the pedistal before ocher, maroon and black back drop. This is a power dress in blcak with one balloon sleeve. Lanvin is the top! Simple Simple Boom! The little black dress you have to earn?

Andrew Marc: Redneck girls don’t have to look awful. Big hair is an asset! It matches the big bags, you know! Wear more leather. Streak your hair. Wear boy’s clothes. It helps.

Victoria Secret: Our young blonde seems to be waiting in a hallway picking at the pleats on her dress. The photograph is a study of blue and gray (better as a painting). The “dress” is a slip with pleats at the bottom. If you are older than eighteen you should not wear this dress unless you live on Ranch. In Nevada.

Neiman Marcus: We’re in a forest! We’re green and new and earthy!

Gold Prada with winged shoes is first out. I keep coming back to this dress. Lace as armour. It seems to speak volumes about where we are right now.

Monique Lhuillier: Olive gathered silkish shif with a turquoise feather and crystal neck?-throw it back.

Dior: Emerald green silk with encrused jewels at the cuffs and hem. Too much. Gucci: Joan Crawford would wear this blood red full lenth gown. Metal holds up the thing with a chain and a tassel belt.  Orgy anyone? (I actually like the direction this is going-classical etc-but blood red? chains?)

Giulian Teso: Long hiared fur. short sleeved and tunic. okay. whatever.

Oscar de la Renta: Black lace over a wet green moss strapless gown. Shredded over green. This is the look! Oscar got it. Very nice. (The model is too thin though to get the look across-In my humble opinion.)

Ralph Lauren: Another over the shoulder black velvet full length gown. thank you. cash your check.

Valentino: She lays upon the earth in a strapless blue-green cocktail dress in layers of lace and silk. We seek you, the marriage of strength and fragility. Consistantly good attention.

Chanel: I’d like this gown a lot more if there were less referrences to Sado-Masochism. Why continue the black leather strap below the bust line? I realize that it was a design element for the top half, but what happened? The dress is fantasitc, but I would cut off the lower straps. Ahem!