Giving Love

I just read Rosemary Radford Ruether‘s article, Diverse Forms of Family Life Merit Recognition, from the National Catholic Reporter, Vol. 3, 6/16/2000.

It got me thinking. What is a family?

The Sisters’ Sledge has a line in their song We are Family! that sums it up for me. When asked “Can they be that close?” she responds “Just let me state for the record, We’re giving love in a family dose.” So how do I define family? I did what I always do and headed for the dictionary or dictionary.com in this case.

Here are my thoughts.

Mother: to exercise protecting care over something else; origin or source. From Mater, female parent.

Father: to exercise care over other persons; paternal protector or provider. From Pater, male parent

Parent: to raise and nurture. From Parere, to breed.

Family: a group of persons who form a household. From Famulus, slaves.

Interesting no? So a family is a group of people who serve to care and protect each other. I think that this is the point that Ms Radford Ruether is attempting to make. Does anyone else find this remotely interesting that you can take out the gender in parents get the same answer? Does anyone else think its funny that the family comes from a word meaning slaves? When you said your famulus in latin, apparently, you were talking about the slaves you owned, that lived in your home.

In her article she proves that Bible literalistists do not advocate Biblical families, but post industrial families. (If they did, they would be pro slavery and pro polygamy, which they are not.) My question is why is she attempting to get merit from social conservatives? Why is 70% of society asking 30% for merits? I find this insanity. I hope that in 2009 we’re past asking anybody who claims to speak for G-O-D for anything but grief!

No amount of sermons on hate and division are ever going to convince me and my friends that we are not a family. We care for each other. We serve each other. Twisting the Bible around to say its opposite is an easy a trick and a very old one.

I grew up in one of the households Ms Radford Ruether documents as the majority. I had a two earner household with one male and one female parent (34%). Because my father was career military we moved often and my mother had many different types of jobs from teacher to counselor to administrator. I started a new school almost every two years. Our family had to be tight! We had to rely on each other to assimilate quickly! We were a family. We parented and raised each other. We had to pitch in with whatever we had.

And that’s why I have the friends I do. We all pitch in. We support each other; sometimes with money, sometimes with words. I found all my jobs through friends. I met my partner through friends. I found my church through friends. We’re a family. We’re giving love in a family dose.

We’re all family though. And that is what all the great teachers have been attempting to teach us. We have the same parents, we live in the same home. We certainly fight like siblings. We are responsible for how our home looks and what happens in our back yards. We are responsible being a supportive member in the family.  This is the mystery of mysteries.

Another quote from We Are Family! says: “Have faith in you and the things you do, You won’t go wrong. This is our family Jewel.”

Good Advice from a Sister!

Same-Sex Experience

Frances R. Spielhagen, How Teens View Single Sex Classrooms, Education Leadership/2006. Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.

Frances R. Spielhagen examined the views of sixth, seventh and eighth graders about their experiences of learning in a same-sex environment for academic classes for a middle school in Hudson Vally New York.

Spielhagen found that the students in these classed experienced a since of fun about learning. Spielhagen also found that it was cost effective for the school to structure the school with both sme sex and mixed sex classes.

Disadvantages of the system include a bias for boys in reading in writing and a bias for girls in math in science. Spielhagen talked around another disadvantage. This system may require more attention from the school to see that the ratio of same sex vs mixed classes was balanced in addition to oversight of curriculum to be sure they remained identical.

Student’s experiences varied by year, but not measurably by gender until the seventh and eighth grades. Both genders of students in the sixth grade found the activities of the other gender problematic to their learning. Girls however appreciated a class without boys because they were teased in mixed classes. Students in the seventh and eighth grades expressed the ability to focus better. Girls indicated that they were able to offer assistance to other girls. Boys, however, indicated that the bullying was more problematic than mixed gender classes.

What I see is a lack of attention to students needs. Girls must remove all boys from the class room to get attention from teachers in math and science. Boys must have a greater propensity of girls in the room not to act out violently. I know that if we change the teachers we will change the students. If teaching the next generation was as prestigious as throwing a fast curve ball or winning the genetic lottery of beautiful we would have this solved.

We are just beginning to address the education problems. Why do we need same sex education? Because the unchecked violence in this society is sanctioned as normal and we value bodies over minds. When girls can speak up and be heard by teachers and boys can stop looking over their shoulder for the blow that is sure to come, we may be able to confidently hand the baton of our earthy futures to these new adults with confidence.

Frances R. Spielhagen is a Postdoctoral Research Fellow with the Center for Gifted Education at the College of William and Mary, P.O. Box 8795, Williamsburg, VA 23185; 757-221-2362; frspie@wm.edu.

YOUNG HUMANS

Do you remember how much you wanted to be just like an older person? Was it your older sister? Your dad? The star pitcher for the New York Mets? Or was it a media image? Do you remember?

Most of us LEARNED gender stereotypes early in our childhood and they were reinforced and reinforced until we could examine them as adults. As children we learned gender stereotypes in some very interesting ways, I believe.

Easily, we can look at our academic curriculum. We studied a history of racially homogeneous males engaged in violent behavior. Once a year we reviewed the sanctioned outstanding achievements of other races. Perhaps these others were native to the United States or perhaps they were forcibly relocated to this country. Perhaps we concentrated for a brief time upon concerns outside of a violent history traditionally taught. If the student was of color, did not resemble the persons that history records, where was the model? Color and gender are in the background, serving. Always serving.

The gender stereotypes we learn in school reflect this conflict of what happened; deemed valuable by those who do the recording. In my own experience I learned three things.

1. Boys are leaders. Where was ANYTHING that would contradict this? I had to be a leader to be a male. Conquer something, achieve, achieve, achieve! After all, there were people who will serve me in this regard. Not to take it up would a be relinquishment of the responsibility of my gender.

2. Girls are smart. But it doesn’t count. Girls don’t bully others about being smarter; for that matter smart boys don’t either. Smart boys don’t let it on that they are smart. Girls don’t matter because no body listens to them when it comes to making a meaningful decision. Smart girls attach themselves to boys that can be influenced to do what she desires.

3. Boys are mean. But they need to be, right? Boys must express and use power as soon as they are aware of it. Boys who learn of their power early by having it debased even earlier become bullies. Girls can be bullies too, but the level of physical violence is further along in the relationship if at all. Boys believe, too often, and backed up by the school setting and curriculum, that power is a finite commodity. Men must take power, or what is desirable, from others to have it for themselves.

Changing this dynamic involves the effective modeling of alternative behavior and attitudes from students’ elders. Parents must model cooperative problem solving in their internal and familial relationships. Children must see a disagreement among their caregivers that is congenial, honest, and holds the child with security in the center of any decision. Teachers must support this activity by having no tolerance for the teasing and bullying that is too often miss-characterized as ‘normal.’ We understand today that this attack posture indicates an angry child. This is a child who does not feel safe.

You are what you are……and you will teach that very thing. What are you teaching? What do the children in your life know about how you relate to others? Your experience with conflict? disappointment? triumph? Are you affectionate with your partner? or distant? Who is leading in what areas and how? What is your model?

Do our young humans know you?

Parents of Children

‘My Son Doesn’t Act Like a Boy.’Kalish, Nancy: Family Life; Apr2001, p60, 4p, 1c, 1bw

Reading this article was like going back home. Going back to my childhood. I didn’t play with dolls, but I insisted on clean pressed clothes and well prepared food. Insisted on classical music for dinner time and told my mother what to wear and bought her jewelry and got her colors done etc.

My parents love me and have always loved me. When I “came out” to them my mother said something very interesting. She told me she would have to morn the loss of her daughter-n-law and the grand children she wouldn’t have, not to mention getting to see me be a father.

One mother was pleased that her son’s dressing up in girl clothes was phase and states: “And though I know it’s no proof that he’s straight, I’m embarrassed to say that I’m relieved.”-McGinley

I’m sure that my parents would’ve preferred I was straight, but that’s only because that’s what they know, not because it would make me a different person. Every parent wants the easiest time for their child.

Advice for parents with children that do not conform to preconceived gender behavior: Say, “It’s okay to be who you are and to make the choices you do. You are unique, and we love you.”-Pollack

I was safe at home, but not in the world, school, church etc. I was stalked and teased until I left college (early). Families may be able to put this idea into practice, but until the greater society does, boys and girls will be stalked and tortured by other boys and girls.

It is better to be masculine than feminine in some ways, and worse in others. I still do not understand the value placed on a man’s thinking style above a woman’s. I hope I never do. The culture of men and the culture of women is set up to avoid violence. Where there is no threat to violence we have freedom. Do we believe in freedom or don’t we?

It takes DNA from two genders to create another person (and scientists are working on this too). That is the only inherent difference. The rest is on a scale. Some of this and some of that form a unique balance.

Are we raising free people or slaves of the past?

The Life of Glenda

I recently was asked if I thought my life would’ve been very different if I had been born female. This is what I came up with.

Glenda and her big sister shared a room when she was little, although she was four years younger they became very close. Mother, Joanna and Glenda would sit for hours and talk and giggle together. Dad was happy when two boys followed the two girls. Two boys and two girls, perfect symmetry.

She started dance lessons very early and the whole family would go to her recitals, though sometimes mom would have to be in back because the two very young boys would act up. Glenda was a bright girl and learned to read early and did very well in school. Her big sister was always there to help and together they could almost always figure things out.

When Joanna went off to college, although it was lonely for a while. Glenda was soon swallowed up in competitions and was already spending a great deal of time away from home studying dance. Eventually she earned a place at Julliard because she was tall and pretty and extraordinarily dedicated athlete. She had to fight her parents though because they believed she should have a liberal arts education instead of one so focused on an arts career.

She didn’t finish Julliard however. She met the wrong boy and dropped out to be with him. They explored New York’s East Village and went to a great deal of very fun parties. They got married and moved out to the suburbs of Long Island and renovated a house together. He was a middle manager for a hospital’s therapy unit so the money wasn’t always great. She was pretty and smart so she worked in restaurants mostly, until she couldn’t do it one more day.

She took a job as a bill collector for the hospital and wondered where she wanted her life to go. She did very well at this job because she was good at communicating and was always trying to help. But her marriage wasn’t going so well. He wanted a much more traditional arrangement and she found she really missed the East Village, not that there’s anything wrong with a great house in the suburbs of Long Island.

The bill collecting job turned into insurance job after insurance job. Glenda was climbing the ladder and meeting people and none of them had anything in common with her life in Long Island. The marriage fell apart. There were no children, but they jointly declared bankruptcy; precipitated by his long illness. It was eventually diagnosed as Diabetes.

Today Glenda is back in school in an attempt to rise to the level of her ambition. She’s moving in with a guy very soon. After having her first apartment, she met a singer/songwriter that wants the future to look the same she does. He’s very East Village.

Difference: I’m a guy. I went to the Liberal Arts school of course because I didn’t get that dance scholarship to Julliard. The rest? I don’t think would change. This is a paraphrase of what did happen.

Considering My Gender

I went to the dictionary to begin my search of “What does it mean to be a male?” In every instance I found that it described a body, not a person. This is a body that produces gametes, sometimes antlers, and sometimes stamens along with them. This seemed to be the only consistent criteria. To get another answer I had to look at the antonyms and synonyms, but again these were rather fluid. It seems that to discuss “what is a man” beyond a gamete producing body I would have to look at a culture in a specific time and place.

I believe that I have always known how I wanted to act but I learned how not to make others uncomfortable and not invite violence upon myself. I was praised by teachers for being smart and helpful. I was praised at home for the same qualities, but so was my sister. After I was able to use the bathroom by myself, I was not allowed to go to the bathroom with my big sister and mother. The men’s room is a much different place than the women’s room. I liked the women’s room better.

I learned the hard way that the way others see me can determine where I can go and what I can do. Although I was athletic I was not stereo-typically hyper masculine. I also was not a very feminine boy. I did however hang out with the girls and all my friends were girls. I have always abhorred violence so I gravitated toward track and gymnastic athletic activities. This did not make me popular among the boys. Although I never started a fight I was suspended every year of junior high through high school for fighting. I was strong and smart so didn’t suffer much in these fights. To socialize I tended to gravitate toward the theatre and music crowds where gender standards were more relaxed and creativity and effective communication were rewarded.

I used to feel more conflicted about my behavior, but soon learned that the whole world didn’t believe exactly like the church, high school and college attended. There were places that did not require me to behave with a narrow self expression. These tended to be in larger cities. I was not afraid on the city streets. I did not worry about what colors I wore or how I tied my scarf. It was okay if I looked nice all the time instead of uncaring about appearances.
I think I’ve caused more conflict in others than internalized it.

A lot has changed since I was in school in the 70’s and early 80’s. Today we see a much broader range of masculine behavior. Vice-President elect Biden cried during his debate. Isner and Geffen run very large American corporations. I think that men have some distances still to travel, however. Encouraging partners and influential men provide powerful examples, but each man must decide for himself his appropriate behavior and accept the responsibility and consequences. Anti-bullying policies, whether male or female, are excellent signs that the tide is turning against ignorance and fear toward authentic living for all genders

WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A GOOD MARRIAGE?

The characteristics of a good marriage are the same characteristics for any good relationship. The degree of intimacy varies in our relationships with others. The most intimate we call marriage. Whether we are speaking of a business contact, family member or spouse, all of the characteristics impact its success. It’s our intent that defines them.

The word marriage comes from the Latin for husband, maritus. That would imply that a man is transformed into a husband upon marriage. The word for wife in Latin is uxor, a legal term. (Our word wife comes from the Old English for woman, wif.) A woman remains a woman whether she is married or not, she becomes a legal entity upon this union. These ideas form the paradox that we today call marriage. A marriage must transform us and allow us to remain ourselves. A heterosexual marriage is the easiest way to discuss these ideas because in a same sex relationship the roles are individuated. There are six characteristics of a good marriage and they can divide into masculine and feminine aspects. One could also say inside and outside or us and the world; it makes no difference.

The first three aspects are Self Respect, Self Love and Self Knowledge. These are the inside or feminine traits that support a good relationship. Can we expect success in any endeavor without these attributes? What is inside is where we begin. We start with ourselves. If we pollute ourselves, we should not be surprised to find our relationships polluted. If we have no love of our desires and intents then is it any wonder we create conflict? If I pay little attention to myself, how can I devote attention to another? We cannot offer what we do not possess. One must begin at the source, ourselves. We must cultivate the feminine first and respect our limits, appreciate our individuality and appreciate our own existence. If we have ourselves we can begin to draw from the limitless well of source.

The masculine elements concern the world, what is outside of us. The three equally important aspects of a successful marriage are Spirit, Honesty and Commitment to Growth. These are the tools, where the first three are sources of power. Power flows to the tools. If we’ve reached the source through self we can expect manifestation in our world. Can I share my spirit with another? Can I be honest about what is erotic for me? Am I prepared to transform myself and activate the transformation of another? A good marriage is evident in an honest spirit in transformation. This is where the world’s goals are accomplished, careers and fortunes made. Behind success is source. Our human source is our mate. We are the tools. We must take action to bring our dreams into the world.

These are not difficult ideas, nor is this their first evocation. From the earliest writings about the divine nature of man to underlying cosmology of the popular novel, these ideas can be gleamed. A good marriage begins with good person. To be a good person we must look in ourselves and accept the good we find, admit our humanity, and understand our intent. With this knowing we can endeavor upon the path of commitment, the most intimate and perhaps the most rewarding is marriage. The joy of being home and the thrill of embodying home for another is the reward.

What is marriage but a paradox of getting the world by giving of oneself?

That is so gay!

Phone conversation yesterday morning at 7:30am.

“I can’t come in to work today.”-Me

“I don’t think you value the financial heath of this office!” -My boss. And continues talking.

“I think I’ve already proven otherwise!” Raised over his voice, which stops his talking.

“I am not well. I cannot come in today.” I repeat in a monotone.

“Okay. Hope you feel better.” Giving face.

“Thanks.” Dull. He hung up the phone before me.

Which means I had the day to my self. New York has been a frigid place these days. Cream cheese and Tomato on a Garlic Bagel in your coat.

Some friends and I were talking what ‘GAY’ is these days…

I heard of a study recently that showed the exact same ratio of homo to hetero orientation Kinsey showed in his day. The interesting part was that 70% of men whose primary sexual outlet was with other men, called themselves straight (something Kinsey couldn’t ask).

We know who they are. They are most of us. Are the other 30% doing something frightening? Is it our way or the highway? By ‘our way’, I mean come out of a closet and join a parade. I think there has to be way for us to come together. What can we do to benefit all of us?

When an eleven-year-old uses the word “Gay” as a descriptor or epithet these days he/she doesn’t mean homosexual. It means ‘tired’, ‘tacky’, ‘out of date’, ‘clueless’-aesthetically speaking. Gay isn’t it.

I don’t think we’ll be Gay in 20 years. Well, I hope not. Because it’s not a description of who we are. 100% of us.

We need a Logo Change.  We need to re-emrge from Chapter 11.  We need a hostile take-over bid.

I don’t know what’s next. Right now, but I don’t think it’s Gay. Broke Back is a portion of us, maybe 30%. I think most of us choose to live within families and have serial partners. And not live in the utopia of the 30%.

Why is that? Haven’t we shown a better way? Not really. We’re still too intoxicated with our freedom. Perfectly natural. Couldn’t be avoided. We love the past. We’re here, right? I think we of the 30% have some growing up to do. I know I do.

What unites us? What divides us? What splits churches? A powerful minority of parishoners leave. Those parishoners have been working and partying for a long time. But the masses won’t be converted. Gay is a bright spark.

Enough really. The rest of us will remain in family settings. I think we have to find a way to brige this gap in our culture inorder to create something new.

Gotta be more discriptive and honest than Gay.