YOUNG HUMANS

Do you remember how much you wanted to be just like an older person? Was it your older sister? Your dad? The star pitcher for the New York Mets? Or was it a media image? Do you remember?

Most of us LEARNED gender stereotypes early in our childhood and they were reinforced and reinforced until we could examine them as adults. As children we learned gender stereotypes in some very interesting ways, I believe.

Easily, we can look at our academic curriculum. We studied a history of racially homogeneous males engaged in violent behavior. Once a year we reviewed the sanctioned outstanding achievements of other races. Perhaps these others were native to the United States or perhaps they were forcibly relocated to this country. Perhaps we concentrated for a brief time upon concerns outside of a violent history traditionally taught. If the student was of color, did not resemble the persons that history records, where was the model? Color and gender are in the background, serving. Always serving.

The gender stereotypes we learn in school reflect this conflict of what happened; deemed valuable by those who do the recording. In my own experience I learned three things.

1. Boys are leaders. Where was ANYTHING that would contradict this? I had to be a leader to be a male. Conquer something, achieve, achieve, achieve! After all, there were people who will serve me in this regard. Not to take it up would a be relinquishment of the responsibility of my gender.

2. Girls are smart. But it doesn’t count. Girls don’t bully others about being smarter; for that matter smart boys don’t either. Smart boys don’t let it on that they are smart. Girls don’t matter because no body listens to them when it comes to making a meaningful decision. Smart girls attach themselves to boys that can be influenced to do what she desires.

3. Boys are mean. But they need to be, right? Boys must express and use power as soon as they are aware of it. Boys who learn of their power early by having it debased even earlier become bullies. Girls can be bullies too, but the level of physical violence is further along in the relationship if at all. Boys believe, too often, and backed up by the school setting and curriculum, that power is a finite commodity. Men must take power, or what is desirable, from others to have it for themselves.

Changing this dynamic involves the effective modeling of alternative behavior and attitudes from students’ elders. Parents must model cooperative problem solving in their internal and familial relationships. Children must see a disagreement among their caregivers that is congenial, honest, and holds the child with security in the center of any decision. Teachers must support this activity by having no tolerance for the teasing and bullying that is too often miss-characterized as ‘normal.’ We understand today that this attack posture indicates an angry child. This is a child who does not feel safe.

You are what you are……and you will teach that very thing. What are you teaching? What do the children in your life know about how you relate to others? Your experience with conflict? disappointment? triumph? Are you affectionate with your partner? or distant? Who is leading in what areas and how? What is your model?

Do our young humans know you?

Considering My Gender

I went to the dictionary to begin my search of “What does it mean to be a male?” In every instance I found that it described a body, not a person. This is a body that produces gametes, sometimes antlers, and sometimes stamens along with them. This seemed to be the only consistent criteria. To get another answer I had to look at the antonyms and synonyms, but again these were rather fluid. It seems that to discuss “what is a man” beyond a gamete producing body I would have to look at a culture in a specific time and place.

I believe that I have always known how I wanted to act but I learned how not to make others uncomfortable and not invite violence upon myself. I was praised by teachers for being smart and helpful. I was praised at home for the same qualities, but so was my sister. After I was able to use the bathroom by myself, I was not allowed to go to the bathroom with my big sister and mother. The men’s room is a much different place than the women’s room. I liked the women’s room better.

I learned the hard way that the way others see me can determine where I can go and what I can do. Although I was athletic I was not stereo-typically hyper masculine. I also was not a very feminine boy. I did however hang out with the girls and all my friends were girls. I have always abhorred violence so I gravitated toward track and gymnastic athletic activities. This did not make me popular among the boys. Although I never started a fight I was suspended every year of junior high through high school for fighting. I was strong and smart so didn’t suffer much in these fights. To socialize I tended to gravitate toward the theatre and music crowds where gender standards were more relaxed and creativity and effective communication were rewarded.

I used to feel more conflicted about my behavior, but soon learned that the whole world didn’t believe exactly like the church, high school and college attended. There were places that did not require me to behave with a narrow self expression. These tended to be in larger cities. I was not afraid on the city streets. I did not worry about what colors I wore or how I tied my scarf. It was okay if I looked nice all the time instead of uncaring about appearances.
I think I’ve caused more conflict in others than internalized it.

A lot has changed since I was in school in the 70’s and early 80’s. Today we see a much broader range of masculine behavior. Vice-President elect Biden cried during his debate. Isner and Geffen run very large American corporations. I think that men have some distances still to travel, however. Encouraging partners and influential men provide powerful examples, but each man must decide for himself his appropriate behavior and accept the responsibility and consequences. Anti-bullying policies, whether male or female, are excellent signs that the tide is turning against ignorance and fear toward authentic living for all genders